I probably should just wait to do this later, as I really need to get moving, but I figure I should get started now because if I put it off until later, it likely won't get done. I'm trying to meet my challenge, ya know?
So, I was doing a little self-analysis this morning while thinking about politics, because these days I'm always thinking about politics. (Gah! Help me!)
I have been conservative my whole life. It's the way I was raised, but I also think it has to do with the times I was raised in. I'm a Reagan baby. I thought that man walked on water when I was a child and so, naturally, I always gravitated towards the Republican Party.
On the flip side, deeply engraved into my soul is this love of art, my mediums of choice being music (instrumental, not necessarily vocal, as I often times don't even listen to song lyrics), photography, and self-expression through writing.
As a child, I also dabbled in drawing. I thought myself to be the next great cartoonist. One of my older step-brothers went off to boot camp when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, and I made a whole comic book to entertain him on his trip. It was about him and the many adventures he would have in the Army. In the book he had a really mean drill sergeant, whose face I can still picture if I concentrate hard enough. He looked a little like Sarge from Beavis and Butthead, but mine came first.
I also used to draw Garfield so well that people thought I had traced it, until I recreated the image before their eyes. I even invented my own character at one point. His name was Sloopy. He was a skinny white Rabbit who walked upright, and who's ears resembled Odie's, completely coincidental, of course. *ahem* He wore a red hooded sweatshirt, Bermuda shorts (remember those?), and Converse high-top sneakers. I don't remember much more about it. I wish I knew where the strips all went. I know I gave some of them away to friends.
It didn't take me long to discover, however, that my talents for creating comic characters from scratch and drawing them in different positions and surrounding them with other new characters were limited. I can recreate almost any cartoon if I really try, my latest challenge has been Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. But, alas, I will not be the next Jim Davis or Bill Waterson.
So, I have decided to concentrate on writing and photography. I truly enjoy them both and I think that if I put enough effort into them I could become quite good at both.
And now I get to my point. What do you think of when you hear the word artist? Free spirited (check), creative (check), laid back (check- most days), outspoken liberal political tendencies (screeeeeeeeeeech!!!). Uh-oh.
I think I have just figured out something about myself. You see, I've always known that I have some form of inner conflict, and have never been able to quite put my finger on where it came from. But, now I think I get it.
You see, I have this creative streak inside of me, and it's incessantly looking for a medium through which to freely express itself. But, I think that it is stifled by my conservative side. I don't allow it to breathe, or be totally and unabashedly open because there is this internal stop sign that screams, "BOUNDARIES" at me whenever I get too close to the line.
I always wonder what people will think if I really, REALLY say the way I feel about various subjects, political or otherwise. Now, I don't often hold back an opinion, if I'm amongst company with whom I'm comfortable. But, I don't always express it well, because I'm holding back where it comes from, and sometimes it's so stifled that I probably don't actually know where it's coming from. And then I get frustrated and usually just end up coming off as angry.
I think I'm learning that this conservative indoctrination is controlling me, to a certain extent. It guides my every move, my every thought or impulse. I'm sure that's normal for most people, be they conservative or liberal, but what if it forever stifles my creativity? The horror!
I have to find a way to make them work together, as they are equally a part of who I am.
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