Warts And All...

I am, at my best, a highly flawed person.

I think that one of the most important things that we can do during this journey through life is to identify our flaws. The most down to earth and approachable people that I know are people who have achieved a high level of self-awareness, warts and all. There's just something so real about them. It's intriguing how they wear who they are on their sleeves; they don't apologize for it. Of course, there are occasions when those flaws have flared up and hurt someone in the process, as flaws tend to do, which renders an apology. But, they don't apologize for WHO they are, just that they failed to maintain control. And, that's where that evolution from annoyingly flawed to interestingly flawed comes: control. Or, at least the attempt to control.

Me, I'm in the in-between stage. I'm pretty aware of my flaws.

• I love me some gossip.
• I'm not always reliable.
• I trust almost nobody, completely. And most people I trust hardly at all.
  
• I can be scatterbrained.
• I have zero to no short-term memory. This is sometimes funny, sometimes a major hassle.
• I can be lazy if not particularly motivated.
• I suffer from only-child syndrome (which has its own little set of issues).
• I'm insecure.
• I tend to get worked up and react on impulse. (This is one I'm getting better at with age. But, it's still a work in progress. e.g.: If it involves my son being treated unfairly- watch out! I'm a mama bear.)
  
• I can get impatient when people don't get something right away, just because I want to keep moving on, and they're slowing me down. LOL
• I can get bored with conversations/arguments right in the middle when the other person is all worked up. Sorry, I'm done. Next!
  
• I can be up and down, emotionally, with no clue as to what triggers it most of the time.
• I have semi-serious social anxiety (depending on the situation). Though I may be wearing a smile, I'm likely freaking out on the inside hoping I don't have to come up with something clever to talk about.
  
• I have abandonment issues.
• I wear my heart on my sleeve, but pretend it's coated in steel.
• I always feel like people who are being idiots need to KNOW they are being idiots, and get frustrated when they have no clue. And I get mad at the people who enable them.
  
• I'm outspoken. (This one is the bane of my existence).
  
• I also have a high standard of loyalty that I place on people and don't tell them the parameters- mainly because I think they just make sense and should be tacitly understood. Most cannot stand up to this standard and I have a tendency to write them off or distance myself from them when they fail to fulfill the expectation. Sounds fair, right? Yeah, I know...
  

I'm sure you could add some more to the list, if you know me well enough. But, this isn't your blog, so HA!

So, what I mean by the in-between stage is that I've identified these flaws, am always looking to identify more, but have yet to fully embrace and learn to control them. And, in order to control them I really do think you have to learn to embrace them. How can you control something that you're in denial about or think you can hide?

You also have to learn which are worth attempting to control, I think, because not all of them are worth it, and you'll just drive yourself bonkers trying to. But, some of them you can work on. And I think that God will send people into your life to help you along in that process.

Maybe they're the person who patiently and gently points the flaws out to you. Sometimes this will go over well. Sometimes you'll get really pissed. Sometimes that may be your initial reaction, but you'll sit and think about it and thank them for it later.

Maybe they're the person who acts as a mirror for you. You know who I'm talking about. That person who absolutely drives you up the wall bonkers? I guarantee if you look closely at that person you'll see that what drives you nuts about them is something that you have yet to fully embrace about yourself. But, that is such a blessing! You get to see it from the outside, to see how what you do affects others. To see how it affects you, even if you don't know it yet. Then you can work to fix it! It's hard, and you'll hate it at times, but it's still such a blessing.

There are days when all you feel are your flaws. It's an overwhelming sensation, almost like you're drowning in them. These are the days when you need to take a good look at your positive aspects. I always find those harder to identify than the flaws. But, here are a few:

• I prioritize my husband and son before myself.
  
• I'm a fighter.
  
• If you're my friend or loved one, I've got your back. No questions asked; let's roll.
  
• I'm good in an emergency. I get very calm and clear-headed and do what needs to be done. This is my greatest gift.
• I'm a pretty good wife and mother (most of the time).
• I'm a big picture, glass is half full type (most of the time- ha!).
• I can be creative, when properly inspired.
• I love to laugh.
  
• I'm a good listener.
• I will apologize when I'm in the wrong- even if the other person was wrong, as well, and refuses to acknowledge it. I know that I'm responsible for myself and my actions.
  
• I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
  

So, that's my list. That's what I try to focus on. And, I'm trying to learn that, while I have flaws, we all have them. I don't make excuses for myself. I am who I am. But, that's not to say that I can't work to fix the flaws that need fixing.

I want to be like those people who inspire me, those people who know who they are, know which parts of themselves they need to learn to live with and which parts they need to fix, and go through life embracing who they are. They don't hide it, they wear it as a badge of honor. They don't let the people who don't like those things about them get them down. They just roll on.

I want the "Self Aware" badge. And I'm working to get it every day.



One more flaw: I ramble endlessly in blogs. But, hopefully my ramblings can help you in some small way. So... You're welcome, in advance. ;)